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My son benched...what to tell him?

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First Base Action

Anonymous asked: My son (7) just started playing baseball last year and fell in love with the sport. Baseball is taken very seriously in this area and most have played since they were 4. My son improved dramatically in just a year and ended up as the starting first baseman by the end of this past spring's rec league. He also ended up making the all-star team (B team - almost made the A). This all-star coach is playing to win, which we knew going into it. Orginally, there were to be two practices a week and tournaments fri, sat, sun, but it has turned into 3-4 practices per week. My son does this with a smile on his face. He's the kid that wants to stay longer for practice, hates when its over. We saw though that the coach was not going to play him at first base...wouldn't even give him the chance, adn immediately stuck him at left or right field. I hate to bring this up, but the coaches' sons all got the "preferred" positions. Let me state that none of these kids are super stars and are all about the same skill level. Anyway my son accepts the outfield positions with on his smile and has been busting his butt. Then tournaments came....he was made to sit on the bench for 4 innings (out of 6). My son thought he was being punished and didn't understand what he did wrong, but he didn't pout or cop an attitudge...he encouraged his team from the dugout. My heart broke. I calmly approached the coach after the game in private and politely asked him to explain his decision (I've never confronted anyone in my life so this was hard for me) and the coach simply stated that everyone has to take their turn on the bench since there were 11 on the team. So I passed this along to my son to save his confidence. Well, he was benched AGAIN. I was so sad for him...still he did not pout.

I've rec'd different advice...some have basically said "stop coddling him and tell the truth...that the coach doesn't think he's good enough so that he'll try that much harder." Some say, "don't worry about it if your son's not worried about it." My son is not stupid...he knows in his heart that he was benched b/c his coach feels he's the weakest player, yet EVERYONE on this team has made their fair share of errors as well as great plays. My son also has the highest RBI record on the team and is batting last. it's sad b/c while sitting on the bench, he is simply missing out and failing to develop, not getting the experience and this frustrates me. Sorry I'm every parent, I don't like to see my child's confidence killed at such a young age.
Could you shed some light on this and how should I approach my son?
thank you!

Rick answered: Thank you for your question.

This is a topic that is becoming more and more prevalent.

Let me start by saying that it isn't unusual for All Star teams to already have a set lineup at the time they are picked. Generally speaking, there is not a tryout situation. The coaches have seen the players during the season and have an idea of how they want things to go.

It would help your son if you would talk with him and let him know you feel this is an opportunity to learn additional positions. While the time frame is limited, the exposure to outfield positions can become an asset as he moves through the system. There is a universal stigma in youth baseball that playing the outfield is, as you mentioned, "being stuck there". Kids often feel they are in the outfield because they don't have the talent to play in the infield. At the youth level, that may be the way many coaches think; but the reality is outfielders have no one to back them up, and a whole lot more ground that they have to cover.

At age 7, I believe kids should be learning to play all positions during their time in these levels. Developing their baseball and team orientation skills is a far greater goal than playing on an all star team, or being the best shortstop in the 7 year old league.

Mark Grace, former Chicago Cub and Arizona Diamondback, when asked what it was he would most like players to say about him now that he was retired was, " that I was a good teammate".

That says a lot. While this all star situation may turn out to be one of little playing time for your son, there are a lot of experiences taking place that can benefit him as he moves forward.

The more positions a player can handle, the more valuable he will be to teams in his future, and the more options he will have to get into the lineup.

Your son sounds like he has caught the "baseball fever" thing. That is good! Encourage him to stay positive, learn everything he can as he goes along. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not so good. Actually it mirrors the game itself. All of it is an opportunity to learn and handle all manner of situations.

It sounds like he had a good and successful season. However the all star deal works out, he is getting some additional practice and time with the other kids.

There are so many changes coming in his baseball life over the next 11-16 years. This all star situation will be a drop in the bucket, whether he plays every inning, or plays very few.

I would hope that the coach would work out a rotation where the playing time would even out. With only 11 players, it would not be hard. They are 7, and this is not the Little League World Series in Williamsport, high school state championship, the college world series or MLB World series. While someone does have to sit out some because only 10, if they use a DH, can play at one time, it takes no special effort to create a working rotation for all those selected.

Good luck as you move forward. Please let me know how it is going. This is always a tough situation, usually harder on you as parents than it is on your son.

Yours in baseball,


Comments for My son benched...what to tell him?

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Sep 18, 2019
The kid who sits the bench
by: Amber L

I believe it should not be our job as parents to tell your child they basically suck because in our eyes we don’t see it that way. I believe if the coach thinks your child sucks and sits the bench majority of the games it should be the coaches job who doesn’t give him a chance or even believe in him to have a talk with him so there will be some communication between the coach and the parents. Can’t help them if you are not aware! So thanks Coach Alex for crushing my child’s love of baseball. #coachoftheyear

Apr 20, 2015
Same here :(
by: Jen

I truly feel your heartbreak. My son is eight years old made the travel team and the rec team. All he does is sit on the bench, he calls himself the bencher and is becoming very down on himself. Y don't these coaches realize this is not the World Series but a learning experience. After my son has gone as far as he has 5 seasons later he is giving up! It breaks my heart that at 8 years old he is going thru this.

Oct 23, 2014
This is what is wrong in youth sports
by: Anonymous

This type of situation... and I mean the parent is what's wribg with today's youth sports and society itself. It's life, you have to earn it. It's not tee ball anymore right? How embarrassing for your son. Obviously you care about your son and love him very much but let's look at how off base and ridiculous your idea is.

You said he just began baseball when others have been playing for years, that is very impressive. A positive. Then you go on to say he has improved so much he plays all the time at first base, even more impressive. Another positive. And keep in mind while he always plays first base, on his regular season team, other kids take a turn on bench, but because of the hard work your son our in he is first option. But you don't care about the other kids at this point, your kid is 1st base option, that's othercparebts problem. Then you go on to say he made the all star team! That is wonderful! And very positive yet again! Then suddenly you become judge mental and sound disappointed he didn't make the "A" all star team?? Huh? Then you realize he is playing on a team constructed with the best players in the league (that's all stars and he's privledged to be on the team) but's his turn to take some bench time and you start crying about being heartbroken?? Then complain he's playing outfield only? In my experience kids hit more often to outfield in all stars / travel anyway..And then you even foolishly approach an all star coach knowing he is the lowest option on this all star team but everyone should get to play infield?? Demonstrating your selfishness and forgetting about the whole team that coach leads...

You are the problem. If you're son catches onto your whiny, selfish behavior he's in trouble. Encourage your son in every way and stop living ONLY in this moment. Tell him everyone pays their dues just like those kids did in regular season when we were happy but they were on the bench. Tell him to work harder and harder and he will give his coaches no choice but to see him as a top option. Next year he could be the star in regular season and have a bigger role of he makes all stars again with hard work. Trust me confronting a coach about your kid playing outfield or bench some time will hurt him more and all the coaches will know you are "that parent" he will get on the field even more with his wonderful attitude, hustle and keep working hard to improve... Not a whiny parent who is delusional towards youth sports.

Jun 15, 2011
playing time
by: Anonymous

I hear this all the time I m sorry for the way you feel but as a coach who makes sure that all my players play I can say this. If your not happy ask your son if he is Happy because its not about you. My son was never a great player I asked him while he was in High School why do you do this you seldom get to play and he told me Dad its about being on a team with your friends. Lesson learned for this dad.

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